Dear Kalyan,

I agree with Gurl_Interrupted that people should come out with such experiences so that others can learn from them. However, it is important that the message not be distorted. In this case, i think the lesson is certainly NOT
a) that arranged marriages are bad
b) that life for a woman marrying a guy living in the US is bad.
I can cite many more cases of happy arranged marriages than successful love marriages. And when I say happy, i am considering the fact that both individuals want to be in the relationship, and are not forced to remain together due to societal pressures. Also, I would say the majority of nepalese women who married guys in the US prefer to live in the US simply because of the higher standards of living, better future for their children, and freedom, which they normally would not enjoy whie living under the same roof as their saasu sasura while adhering to nepalese cultural values.

THe lesson that I got is simply that one should look before leaping. In this case, the girl had almost made up her mind without even seeing the guy. She should have done her due diligence, and made an effort to get to know the guy's self. It's all water under the bridge now, but had she done her homework this would not have happened. She just happened to be unlucky. If the guy had continued behaving the way he did at the beginning, she would have had a very happy life, so its just a case of bad luck.

Having said all of this, i feel sorry for her, and I hope she finds a way to be truly happy. THe silver lining is that she probably came out of this a lot stronger and wiser. Also, the irony is that she is in a much better position to become self-sufficient in the US than she would have been if her husband had deserted her in nepal. Good luck to her...

Netaji, for me marraige(or just living together) is a combination of two minds, bodies, or souls who want to be together because of passion, attraction, and love they have for each other. It is not a tool. If it is, then given the purpose of using such tool, it is a wrong tool. You cannot say, yeah, we use this tool ro bring tow lives together. Marriage is not like choosing a roommate or a housemate who are willing to spent their lives togethr forever. It is not when two people live together because they feel the pressure to be with together either from themselves, their parents or their society. It is also not when two people live together because they get used to each other. For me it is purely when two peole really want to be with each other. And if there exists freedom, arranged marriage doesn't last. In our society one of the reasons why arranged marriage still prevails is because it is a male dominant society. In typical arranged marriage Women don't choose their partner whereas male can have a choice of whom they can marry. Social status, caste, family background are all brough into equation when choosing who is going to stay with whom for the rest of thier lives. This is not how your feeling work. You cannot program it. And you cannot expect two strangers to live together and expect them to be with each other for the rest of their lives. However your expectation can come true if at least one of the two members feels threatened to leave the relationship, if divorce is looked as a taboo, if family and society pressure to be together is immensly visible in the relationship while still missing the passion, and love to be with each other. So for me marriage is not a tool.
If it is then it is a wront tool for the wrong job and shouldn't be used.

.............

is that tilkumari>

Well Sukuti....to my understanding, ARRANGED marriage means any marriage that took place INITIATED by the ARRANGEMENT OF MEETING of propspective man and a woman by someone else other than the prospective man and woman themselves, ex. parents, relatives, friends etc.
Basically to make an ARRANGED marriage happen when first our parents or relatives or friends ARRANGES (or faciliates) the meeting of a prospective man and a woman. The function of ARRANGEMENT OF MEETING of prospective man and a woman is served at this point and has no function beyond this point. From this point on it's up to the prospective man and a woman to build relation between themselves if they continue to be interested into each other and finally get married if they decide to be committed into each other.

It is so dumb on the part of either man or a woman to get married to the partner whom they have not desired. It is even dumber to blame on ARRANGEMENT made by someone else eg. partents, relatives, friends etc because everyone has the mind to think and power to act on wether they want to married to this perticular person. If anyone has no desire to get married to any person arranged by anyone else, the person who is about to get married should declare so and terminate the ARRANGEMENT and look for some new ARRANGEMENT of their preference. No one owns anyone's life and the decisions they make wether it's man or a woman.

So far I have witnessed few arrangements that were terminated becuase either the man or the woman had different preference. In Nepali society they are the brave souls and I admire them. If someone has no guts to declare and act on something they did not prefer, it is very obvious that they deserve the discontent and unhappiness brought about by their failure to declare and act on their desire.

Sukuti ..this the most disgusting line I ever read.

"In a typical arranged marriage woman dont choose their partner......"

What kind of attitude is that ? Are women some kind of creature who have GOBAR in their mind ? Is getting married to a woman like buying a product where the product has no consent and you dont have to ask for the consent ?

It's even disgusting to think that "woman dont choose their partner" and look for ways to exploit the weakness of some women when someone knows that some woman are hesitant to speak up for themselves. It's called parasitic attitude with sever lack of vision and really something to be ashamed of for being a man.

You guys are so naive.
This is not a real story but a story that very much could happen. There are so many giveaways that makes this story a work of fiction:

1. Dear Kalyan. Written as if she knows Kalyan and now she is telling him everything about her life since beginning (schooling days) which he might already know. Say, Kalyan is a publisher, why is his picture posted then? Who else could it be?

2. You don't buy 'FLATS' in Queens, NY. You either buy co-op/ condo or rent a room.

3. Guys bringing Black females? So typical of a poor budget hindi or Nepali movie.

4. u can pull out tons of other giveaways.

I think this Kalyan dude wants to create awareness against Nepali guys in Amrika??? May be he just wants to write a story.

Kiddo,

jus to shed some light on your remarks on KALYAN. This story was probably sent to hits fm 100 in kathmandu where "Kalyan" runs one of the most popular radio program called "mero katha mero geet"." To give legitimacy to the stories, they do a background check on the people who send him their stories (true ones as i was told then). Thus, the story always starts with DEAR KALYAN, This show has been going on for almost 8 years now.

I don't know its popularity now but i know everyone would be hooked to the show then. I gave up after a couple of series when the stories only revolved around "love" those too almost typical like hindi movies :)

Chillo_oys jyu.
Dhaniyabad for clearing out the identity of Kalyan.
But I had already assume he might be a publisher, close to a radio dj no?
How about the flat? Do they sell flats in your area? And about black friends, isn't that typical fake stories?
But thanks you for clearifying.

Yeah, it is very true that majority of Nepali girls in the US (not all though) have their hairy,stinky butts over their heads.I met a Nepali girl who would sleep with anyone but Nepali.She is a cheap whore now.All Mexicans who work in constructions get blow job from her for $20.Immediately after she came here, a few good (serious) Nepali guys had proposed her(I was already married back then, by the way) which she rejected.Those guys are all married and happy now.She is measurable.So it all comes down to a popular Nepali proverb:"Dukha payis Mangale...aafnai dhangale".
Good luck girls,
DP.

Girls:
forgot to tell you this:
Do a good research before you decide who you let lick your honey.
DP.

Fellows,

Please don't be mean to this disconsolate heart. The siutation she has landed right now, may be your sister or daughter could land one day.

My advice to this girl is don't look at your past. Try to make a home with your current hispanic husband and try to live your life happily. Life has so much meanings and don't wast ur time looking at ur filthy past. If you are still in queens area and would like to share your feelings, you can haul at me, Romario, your big brohter.

Good luck to you,
Romario.

DP.......is that 20$ NEpali hooker story a real one ?
Al least it appears somewhat real to me no matter it is a bogus story or not.

Neeta Ji
You did not understand me when I wrote "In typical arranged marriage, man has the choice not the woman." Or is it that you are living in denial? In a conservative kind of such marriages, a priest or a mediator brings the picture of girls to show them to the "to be groom" and his family. At leat this is what used to happen, right? And all the burden that bride's family used to carry from dowry to the entire arrangement of the ceremony and the effort to not displease anyone. That always had a lower-hand right? Why, because of male-dominant society. As the society starts to become more liberal to women (hopefully soon) arrange marriage starts to disappear.
It is nice that arranged marriage has started to evolve to where it makes more sense to let two sides first meet and check the compalibility. I am so against this kind of marriage. So no I am not encouraging such amrriage if that's what you thought, Neeta.

Sukuti...I believe your defination of ARRANGED MARRIAGE goes beyond the meaning of those two words "ARRANGED" and "MARRIAGE" that describe it. From your notes I believe your defination is more closer and consistant with " ARRANGED & FORCED MARRIAGE" because from your description, not only an arrangements of meeting of would-be bride made but the bride or the groom or both are forced as well to get married for whatever reason or under whatever circumstances it might be. So in your defination the factor 'force' is involved in the 'marriage' that was 'arranged' (ARRANGED+FORCED+MARRIAGE) .

However in my defination of ARRANGED MARRIAGE the factor "FORCE" has no place and I strictly stick only to the two words "ARRANGED" and " MARRIAGE" without the word "FORCE".

Many times it is very possible that there might be girl who might have qualities and personality that you have been looking for and at the same time there might be a girl who is looking for qualities and personality that you possess but the difficulty is that you dont know that girl and that girl doesnt know you. Even if you dont know such and such girl exist ,however it is possible that either your parents or relatives or friends might know that girl.

It is also possible that even if that girl doesnt know you exist it is possible that the parents or relatives or firends of that girl might know know you. So either your or that girl's parents, relatives, frineds can ARRANGE a meeting of you and that prospective girl , have the conversations and if both seem interested they can build and take the
relationship to marriage if not and the possibilty is terminated and new prospect is searched.

I can always argue that MARRIAGE that was ARRANGED by someone else other than the would-be bride and the groom eg. parents, relatives, friends etc does not get negative face UNLESS the parents, relatives or friends "FORCE" the would-be groom or the bride or both to get married for whatever reason it might be. So I see no negative sides of ARRANGED MARRIAGE unless there is some sort of pressure or force and my defination of ARRANGED MARRIAGE does not venture beyond the two words of
"ARRANGE" and "MARRIAGE."

I dont know why would you want to destroy such a helpful tool of marriage. A tool that has enormous potential to turn strangers and unknowns into loved and dear ones. A great channel to bridge two worlds that had recently been far apart.

Long live ARRANGED MARRIAGE.

OK OK, I understand your meaning of Arranged Marriage. But be realistic here. In how many arranged marriages, do the would be bride and groom meet before the marriage and see if they are compatible to each other? I know that more and more that's been the case, which is very good. But in the past, were not some arranged marriage some kind or forced marriage when one of the sides especially bride wasn't happy with it. After all Groom is the one who chose so he's fine.
Or arranged marriage can also be seen as some kind of passively forced marriage if parents, relatives or whoever arranged it without the consultation of the man and woman involved in it. And come on, the kind of arranged marriage you are talking about is starting to exist mainly in Kathmandu. Look beyond those hills. And yeah, be realistic about what is going on in our culture.

I like to distinguish between ARRANGED MARRIAGE and NON ARRANGED MARRIAGE.
I have already explained about how I understand the defination of "Arranged Marriage".
Now, in the case of NON ARRANGED MARRIAGE,I see it as any marriage in which the meeting of the guy and the girl first took place without the assistance of their parents, relatives etc where the guy and girl met each other out of their own interest and built the relationship and eventually got married with or without the help of parents or relatives etc. We already know the fact that this is popularly known as love marriage.

Other people might have similar defination as mine or different than mine and the burden is upon them to define it themselves.

Almost all the marriage that take place in the west are love marriage.
Why the rate of divorce is so high in west at the same time the divorce rate of love marriage that were NOT arranged (love marriage as we know) in our own society is significantly higher than that of arranged marriage.

Yeah ..it is widely known fact that many of couples mostly girls who were married through forceful arrangement felt very discontent, betrayed and many could have gone through physical and emotional sufferings. Owing to this fact, these women if not the arranged married couples should be the first and most in numbers to file for divorce (who would not want to get rid of thier unhappiness) badly outnumbering the couples who got married through love marriage. I'm really baffaled not to see what I had expected and dazzled to see exactly the opposite.

I have some questions in my mind about this mystery.

Does the discontent and unhappiness in the couples who were not happy for being forcefully married go away sometime after they start living together ?
OR
Do they adapt and learn to live in the new reality and find someway to make themselves happy ?
OR
Eventhough they were not happy about the marriage in the begining, is it that they madly fall in love once they get married and continue to be in love forever (so there is no question on getting divorced) ?

People who got married through love marriage and ones got married through arranged marriage dont live two verydifferent socities, they come from the very same society. Their social or educational status is very similar to each other but still why there is such huge number of love married couple seperate and couples who were arranged married dont bother to get rid of their unhappiness (if there exists any) ??????

I dont believe that I have look beyond those hills (as you mentioned) lose my hope just because there is a darker side of reality hanging out there. There always was and always will be some sort of darker side of reality because may be you and I and many other people want to see change take place at faster pace than it actually will. We get sad and sometimes see bleak future because the changes take place far slower than we want it to see.

I believe in the constantly evolving society such social change will definately take place and the people who have guts and have socially progressive mind should contribute by becoming an example themselves, abandoning and rejecting such unjust ideas. The rest will follow the way.

how about ....arranged at first and then strengthened by love and then only marriage?