Why is no one answering the phone? Annoyed Arun wondered. The phone kept on ringing as if the call is just for him and no one else is listening it ringing. Yaso ghadi herya bharkhar 7:30 bajechha byanko. He was so tired...long flight... aadha rat samma ta hijo gaf gardai bityo...ani byan byan yo jharko lagdo phone...man manai fatfatayo Arun.

"Hello" Arun responded the call nindrako surma.
A brief silence prevailed. "Hello" Arun repeated the word.
"Yo kaha paryo?" A lady's voice hit his ear piece.
This sort of questions from a caller always irritated Arun. Obviously, jaha garya ho tyahi paryo, whereelse? Yeah, jaha garna khojya ho phone tyaha napareko huna sakchha tara garya ja ho parya ta tyahi ho ni..So, why ask?

"Tapaile kaha gareko?" Arun responded the lady's question with his own.
"kaha paryo bhannus na" The lady insisted. The voice sounded sweeter this time.
"Maharajgunj" Arun answered as if he gave in to that sweetness of the voice on the other side.

Arun heard just breathing going on at the other end for a moment or two then heard another question chasing him "Rekha dijjuko ghar ho?"

Arun's mind took a quick spin to process the question and prompted him to say "ho" to the query. Rekha is his bhauju. That "dijju" caused the spin.

Tyo "ho" answer le suspense sakiyo hola bhaneko ta...
"Ko boleko?" Another question sprang from the sweet side.

"Now this is too much" Arun said to himself but then suddenly felt like he knows the voice. Or does he?

He tried to recognize the voice... The sweet voice rang again "Hazur ko bolibakseko?" Arun liked the upgrade from "ko boleko" to "Hazur ko bolibakseko".

In fact, that "hazur" address sounded so wonderful to Arun that he felt and saw goosebumps rise and settle all over him.

"Ma Arun" he replied. "I know her I know her" he kept on saying to himself but could not tell who she was.

"When did you return home?" She asked.
"Yesterday" Arun's mind wildly zoomed in to a close range this time to identify that sweet voice.

"You already wiped me out...didn't you?" She asked.

"Absolutely, not." Arun paused a second and quickly asked
"How are you Dibya?"--- Right on time---, he thanked his mind.

Nothing but silence -challenged only by his counter question "Is she not Dibya?"-lingered.
"Dibya, who?" The lady asked.

Now Arun got confused. Who is she? He wondered. Ek ta nindrako sur jhan tyasmathi byan byan dekhi suspense ko dabab?

"I am sorry, I thought you?re Dibya?" He did not know what else to say.

?Yeah, I am Dibya but who is Dibya to you?? She asked again this time adding some softness to her already sweet voice.
.........kramasha:...

Hyaaaaaaa mula Deep! Jailey pani katha ko tukra tukra diyera torture garney! Boycott garau bhaney your stories are too good, aafuley aafulai nai sajaaya diyeko justo. Nagarau bhaney Deep moro le ali ali gardai satayera hairaan. Harey shiva shiva!

hellloooooooooooooooooo! you can't hang up in mid conversation Deep!

Chatmandu,
hya tyasto baikat saikat garne kuro nagaram na...bore gardini? baikat bhanyo ki bhura haru sanga guchcha khelda twach twach dorha ni khane ani guchchai futne garera angle ni hanna thale si bhuraharu le ye Deepdai baat bhanera baikat garya samjhera dikka lagchha ke...


Sitara ji....
You can't hang up in mid conversation re? Oh, yeah?

;)

?Who is Dibya to him? Arun did not know the answer if he were to be honest to himself. Tara ke bichar aayera ho he said ?Will tell you later, hunchha??

He heard Dibya giggle. Arun now was much refreshed.
?Ani, when are you going to meet me?? She playfully asked.
?What for?? Arun was getting smarter as well.
? Keep guessing??? Sweet voice responded.
Arun was still trying to find words to say?Dibya asked ?How long are you going to stay this time??
?I don?t know? Arun replied.
?Then who does?? She asked.

?Can?t you talk without asking questions? Purano rog ajhai chha?? Hasdai Arun le sodhyo.
?You are the one who just asked me a question.? Dibya shot back. Arun, of course, could not see her but if he did he knew how exactly Dibya was smiling on the other side.

?Ok, Write my number? She said.
?I know your number?
?Really? What is it then??
?It is in my wallet? Arun once had her number in his wallet but that wallet was long gone. Did not know if he copied her number to his PDA. He thought he did. He picked up his PDA, and searched for her number. There it was?. still there, surprisingly.

?What are you carrying my number for? When was the last time you called me??
?Perhaps, three years ago? Arun thought but did not say anything.

Arun read her phone number and asked ?Is this not your number? Now, what do you say??
?I say NO, that is not my number? She replied.
?Kina number change bhayo?? Arun asked.
?haina, tyo ta mero maiti ko number?Do you want to talk with my parents? It?s kind of late for that Arun? Misri jasto haso thyo Dibyako.

?Ok, write my number? This time she almost ordered him.
?Go ahead? Arun responded after a few seconds as if he was looking for a pen and a paper.
Dibya gave her number but Arun did not write. ?patta lai halchhu ni? he thought.
?Here is my mobile number too? She read a bunch of numbers.
?OK? Arun bolyo manau number tipyo.

?You did not write my number, now did you?? Dibya asked.
?No, I did? Arun hurriedly lied.
?Read back the numbers to me then? Sweetness was still there but softness was replaced with firmness in her voice.
?When are you going to stop lying?? She asked with same firmness.
Arun had no answer.
?Write down the numbers? She ordered again.
This time Arun did. He blessed a dusty paper by the phone with Dibya's numbers.

"Ani, ke phonema aba ma sanga matrai jhundi rani? where is Rekha dijju?" Dibya threw one more question at him.

[......... pakham hai...Arun Rekha dijju bolauna ga chha ek chhin tyam lagchha ke...]

Hyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...... Deep sir, timi baat! bwaicuttttt la.

Eh.... hoina hai.... khyal thatta po garya ta.... bywaicutt hoina.... Deep sir pani baat hoina.... la la chitto chitto lekhum na baaki kahani.

दिपजी ले प्रेमकहानि हान्न लाग्नु भो भन्ठान्या त पैले नै माइति को संकेत दिनु भो बा !
तर पनि नयाँमुकामको आशमा म छु है ;)

Lau hai deep ji, ma ta paltera sunna base.

Ke huna sakcha bhane katha ma.. mero guess hai.

Arun used to like/love? Dibya, but could not confess.
Dibya on her part, often encouraged Arun, but drew the line. A la laxam rekha. Uksaune ani feri thammaune.

Aba Dibya ko haso ani chillai ;) le ta tyai janaucha. Mero bichar matrai hai.

Aba katha ma creativity ma ta Deep ji ko ke kura garnu. La hai prabhu, aula saram jhatta.

Chatmandu ji, aba deep ko league ko katha kaar lai baikat garyo bhane sajha ma padne ke? Ki kaso?

IndisGuise:)

la jaos Deepji ali deep nai jaos na ta ;)

कुरो गहिरो छ । हैन माइती भुन्या के? डेरा सरेर बुवा आमा भन्दा टाढा बसेसी, पुरानो डेरालाई माइती भुन्छ कि क्या हो हाँडि गाउँतिर?

Arun let bhauju know about the call and went back to sleep. Ke nindra lagla ra jasto bha thyo bhusukkai bhe chha
ekkai chhin ma.

He woke up later with heavy head when he heard Maiyadidi, who has been working at his home since he remembered,
knocking at the door and saying at the same time "Bhuja tayar bho babu". It was already 10:30. "Byan byan
dekhi kich kich bhat khanai man chhaina" usle afule
matrai sunne gari bhane ni ali thulo swar le chai "Ma khanna aile bhat" bhanyo.

A minute later mom could be heard knocking at the door and saying "babu..ye babu...Arun, ooth ooth dhilo

samma sutna hunna tauko dukhchha..la bhat khana aaija"

"Khana man chhaina" Arun le ali jharkera bhanyo.
"Tyaso bhanera kaha hunchha....jati ruch.cha tyati khanu..Arun...aaija feri khana selauchha ahile.."

Arun got up. He knew his mom.

His mom sat with him serving food.

"la la la feri kina haldya tarkari malai pugi sakyo" Arun tried to stop his mom from refilling his plates.
"talai ta chamsur palungo mitho lagthyo ta...kha na...oota ni painchha babu chamsur palungo?" Mom asked and filled his
plate.

"painchha" Arun just said, although he never had chamsur there.

Mom filled in arko steel ko kachaura too.."la! ke garya yo?" Arun sounded puzzled.

"Kha na..talai Aalu tama mitho lagchha bhanera banako jhan" Mom calmly answered.
"kina yatti dherai jwano halya?" He asked. "Myaiya le..bichari budi bhaisakin..sudhdhi ni chhaina..dui choti parechha."
Mom clarified.

Je pani thapna khojne Aama dekhera Arun chhakka paryo. Paniu ma Aamale bhat oothako dekhe si ta Arun le
thalai oothayera "malai bhat pugi sakyo..nahalnus hai yaha." bhanyo.

"Khai taile ta khanai chhodichhas babu...yati khane manchhe ho ra ta? Hera anuhar gati kai chhaina.."
Paniu ma bhat oothai oothai mom expressed her sadness.

Arun did not say anything but quietly tried to finish whatever was left in his plate.

Then mom suddenly landed more bhat on his plate.

Arun got mad., "khanna ma bhat sat...pugyo bhanya haina maile? ma bach.cha ho? khana man lage samma ta
khai halchhu ni..khali kich kich kich kich" He vented his displeasure. After a brief pause he ate a couple of bites then
looked back at his mom. She was quietly looking at him and he noticed a few waves of sadness flickered.
He regretted his words. There was no one in the entire world he loved more than his mother. He just smiled at her
and fighting back her spilling eyes she blessed him with her usual celestial smile.

"La yo golvedako achar" she put more achars on his plate. Arun laughed this time.


Bhat khai sakera, he came down to his room. Called a couple of friends in town. Weekday ma ko hune gharma diuso..
Then he saw the numbers he wrote down this morning. Dibya's numbers.

He was not much interested in calling her then but he kept on staring at the numbers.

....

Deep ji,

Thanks for sharing your story. Here are some basic observations, to be used, abused, or ignored as you wish; they mostly focus on the first part of your work. Please indulge me.

The mystery, the suspense is established effectively. Who is this Dibya, perhaps a hot, ex-flame who wants to rekindle old memories? Is there a love story lurking? How is this "conflict" going to be resolved? Questions like these are evoked early and help maintain the readers' interest in the narrative. Also, the dialogue is well done. The flow of a telephone conversation, with a distracted speaker trying to squirm out of an awkward jam, is captured realistically, with light humor--for instance, when Arun explicates on his irritation over questions like "yo kaha paryo?", and when he enjoys the upgrade from "ko boleko" to "Hazur ko bolibakseko".

On the other hand, besides being difficult to perceive sensually, I think the play on the sweet/soft/firm voice of Bidya is overdone. And the one time the voice is made concrete through a simile ("misri"), it does not work, at least for me. "Misri" is pure sugar and suggests a sense of the saccharine, I think. In contrast, here is my favorite sentence: "He blessed a dusty paper by the phone with Dibya's numbers." Unlike the "sweet voice", this is a concrete, poetic, and evocative image, which can be further fine-tuned with more details, if the author so wishes.

(More in a moment)

(Contd.)

Mostly, the story suffers severely from awkward constructions and careless punctuation, all results of very sloppy editing. How else to explain elementary slips like these, for instance?:

"The phone kept on ringing as if the call is just for him and no one else is listening it ringing."(conflicting tenses; awkward construction; preposition missing after listening)

"Arun responded the call nindrako surma." (preposition missing after responded)

"'Hello' Arun repeated the word." (I would suggest a comma after Hello; "the word" is redundant and can be deleted)

"'Maharajgunj' Arun answered as if he gave in to that sweetness of the voice on the other side." (again, very awkward construction, with a redundant prepositional phrase; I would suggest a comma after Maharajgunj and also: ... as if giving in to her sweet voice.)

So let me re-iterate: edit, edit, and edit some more. Once the form ceases to distract, the reader can then better focus on and enjoy the content. In the meantime, let me say that composing a story and presenting it on this wonderfully anarchic site is harder and takes more courage than merely critiquing it, and I commend you on it.

Hope this helps, in however small way.

Lau aayo grammar police biccha-ma pwakka. Yinlai ke thaha katha-ko moj grammatical rules dekhi bahira huncha bhanera. Deep, yeslai dhyan nadiye huncha... asati moro.

oh english grammer ko choro translate this one

chandra ma prithivi lai niyalera herin ra maan maan nai sodi ke yo prem samvab cha.......kina maa yesari aasamav maa tadpi rako chu........malai maaf garideu te ashu le bharerka nayan haru deep jhai jali rako cha..........na ta kunai sitara ko nisan cha na ta kunai jira ko khacho cha tarkari ma...kabel nepe ko phuleko junga ko pratirod cha.

oh hiro la yeslai ultha garu ta

[Netazneta,
Thanks for your words. .. I will respond later hai. ]
*****
He was not much interested in calling her then but he kept on staring at the numbers. ...

More Arun stared at those number the more lively they became. So, to keep them from being more active, he picked the phone up dialed a number.

Dibya responded "Hello"

"Yo kaha paryo?" Arun playfully asked.
Arun heard giggle followed by " I did not think you would call me this
soon". What do you want to talk about with me Arun?"

"Well, I am open to all options. So, you choose the topic" Arun spoke.
"You called me ..so tell me what for?"
"Didn't you ask me to call you?"
"Yes I did, but you did not call me just because I asked you to do so. You called me because you wanted to. So, let's talk about the things you want to talk about". Dibya said.

Arun enjoyed the conversation. However, he tried to change the track asking Dibya, "so, where is hour house now?"

"Why? would you like to come over?" She shot back.

"No, I am just asking" Arun quickly responded.
"Oh! I knew you don't want to see me" Dibya sighed. Did she?
"I did not say that, Dibya" Arun clarified.
"What does it matter where my house is If you don't want to see me..or do you want to meet me somewhere else?"
Arun was not thinking of meeting her. He did not quite figure out whether she was just kidding or serious. He did not want to fall for the net if that is what she was spreading around him.
"Are you scared to meet me?" You are scared, aren't you?" Dibya asked.
"No, but should I be?
"My answer is No. But, what matters here is not my answer but yours." Dibya said.

Arun did not know who else may be at her house. He definately did not want to meet here if she was alone there. He also did not like the concept of meeting her somewhere else. So, he asked "Ani ghar ma ko ko chhan ta?"

"Oh! the time is perfect, Arun....My husband is at work, sasu is gone to satsang, sasura is scheduled to return from his business trip next week, my only debar is rarely at home. Actually, Bishnudidi-the lady who works here- is also gone to meet her daughter in chapagaun. So, I am alone at the house. What else do you want to know?" Dibya rested with her question.

Arun did not quite understand what was going on but he recognized the word that quietly stood by him at that moment was "Anyol".

....

Deep ji,

You are welcome. It is good to see you continue with the story. Give us more. Despite what the loyal Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dee have said above, please understand that my criticism was offered in good faith. I only regret that I didn't wait for you to finish; I mistakenly thought you had. Perceptive, am I not? But please, carry on (and no need to respond, if you don't feel like it).

[Netazneta, I know you offered your views in good faith and I am glad to read your criticism. ]

It had been a while since Arun had such a vivacious conversation with Dibya. A thirst for more of what he just tasted rose somewhere inside, he could tell.

"Ok, sounds perfect then...tell me where you are" Arun also played back.
Dibya gave him the direction to her house.

As he was ready to leave for Dibya's place, his mom asked where was he going. He replied "kahi haina..ek chhin ma aauchu."

Ani Pokhara kaile janchhas ta babu?" His mom asked.

"Bholi..." he paused a few seconds then added "Ankitale phone gari bhane ticket kinna ga chha bhandinu hai".


On his way to Dibya's house, Arun kept on asking to himself what was he doing? His relationship with Dibya was never defined. At least, he did not define nor he ever tried.
He tried to block bholi pokhara jane kura not that he was not excited to go but he did not want to taint that excitement with the kind of thought he was having in his mind.

Closer he got to Dibya's house, more retless he became.

It's been five nights since I had a good night sleep. Still waiting!

Deep dai le achel zee tv ko serials jasto lambako lambai cha.......first ko paden..atturi lagyo..ani aba ENDING nadekhi kana aroo napadne bacha garen :). hey prabho, aba ending dekhna paam! ani my personal hope...somewhere along the line..i hope the story doesn't end in another "biyogantak" MODE:P (as if i can influence the story)

Sakauchhu bhanera thaleko ta ...afule bhane jasto kina hunthyo---bhadragol bhe ra ke bhanne bharkhar firta aaye afno station ma...will try to write chhittai.