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 Lord Neslson and Thomas Hardy (not the novelist)

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Posted on 01-16-06 10:50 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Some musings.

Okay if Trafalgar had taken place, the brits would not have won because ......See the updated dialogue between Nelson & Hardy in "today's Trafalgar", below:

**********************
Nelson: Order the signal Hardy.

Hardy: Aye, aye sir.

Nelson: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?

Hardy: Sorry sir?

Nelson: (reading aloud) What gobbledygook is this? "England expects every person to do his/her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability"

Hardy: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devils own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.

Nelson: Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.

Hardy: Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.

Nelson: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.

Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished. Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.

Nelson: Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead.

Hardy: I think you will find that there is a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.

Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crows nest, please.

Hardy: That won't be possible, sir.

Nelson: What?

Hardy: Health and safety have closed the crows nest, sir. No handrail, and they said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.

Nelson: Then get me the ships carpenter without delay, Hardy.

Hardy: He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral.

Nelson: Wheelchair access? I never heard of anything so absurd.

Hardy: Health and safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently abled.

Nelson: Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.

Hardy: Actually you did sir. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.

Nelson: Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.

Hardy: A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?

Nelson: I've never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.

Hardy: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.

Nelson: What? This is mutiny.

Hardy: It's not that sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone there's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.

Nelson: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?

Hardy: Actually sir, we're not.

Nelson: We're not?

Hardy: No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.

Nelson: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil?

Hardy: I wouldn't let the ships diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary.

Nelson: You must consider every man and enemy who speaks ill of your King.

Hardy: Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules.

Nelson: Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?

Hardy: As I explained sir. Rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment.

Nelson: What about Sodomy?

Hardy: I believe its still allowed, sir.

Nelson: In that case - "kiss me Hardy"!

**** The End ******
 
Posted on 09-05-06 7:27 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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nepaali..hah!..i dunno why but i have a strong feeln u missed smthin.. err.. in that other thread?(which is good!cos everythin happens for a reason?;oP hehe)not that i remember hehe..but yeah..just had to share with u wat i cant stop thinkin right now :oS hehe..this thot tht..is me thot right or wrong?only u have the answer re kya ;oP hehe..

ok that said..lets get on with it?hehe..did wanna type here last time..so am kinda glad im here..but yeah enuf of 'dramas'(more to come?;oP)lets get on with it?hehe..

and oh dun be sorry!pls!(tho kinda felt like i was cared for..for a while there!which did feel ..errr u know nice?;oP hehe)..i mean ..who knows that just might end up me ramblin more goin about me whole dumb life?;oP hehe..everyones lifes a roller coaster aint it?..its just when we are too "busy" riding(and enjoyin the experience of the ride) on our own ..we dun really notice the other roller coasters and the riders of them?..unless we are at the point of ride ..where it aint that exhilarating..or that unnerving..then might we notice wats around us?that there are other rollercoasters?higher than us!looks way scarier than ours?and there are other riders..ridin them?hehe..

but in the end..when wasnt life a rollercoaster?its just smtimes it doesnt feel like one?..esp when the angle of the fall/climb aint that steep?when it doesnt feel like its either a fall nor a climb?hehe when it feels like its uniform?stabilised?..but funnily in a rollercoaster ride..dun we long and look foward to that long sharp fall?the longer ..the more declivitous ..the better?cos thats what we want?the want to experience the extreme?(a test for ourselves?)and be stimulated to the extreme?

so in some ways is life a rollercoaster?hah!cos do we(those who are labelled sane by others?;oP) look foward to falln down?aint it goin up we look foward to?opposite to a rollercoaster ride eh?or do we just hate to admit that we do look foward to the fall?cos in the end..who doesnt like it knowin that after they fell..fell so hard..they did manage to get up again and start walkn?...prove of that will be us humans walkn on our 2 legs?how many times we fell on our knees as a baby..here we are standn..walkn..runnin..and even flyin?;oP hehe..

..i dunno about u or others..but i guess..im pretty scared of the ride comin to the end..if u love riding in a rollercoaster..im sure u didnt feel that good when u came to the end..and say for some reasons u couldnt ride it again then?:oS hehe..if only life was like a rollercoaster?where we can take a ride again and again!and afford to do that too ;oP hehe..nothn comes for free eh?well not many things these days :oS hehe..i still havent seen or tried tht much of rollercoasters..just one mini(i think more than one..but not that many and not that number matters esp since they were minis?;oP hehe)def cant be considered a rollercoaster?so yeah def dun think wat i might be goin thru can be considred a rollercoaster esp when i compare it to ppl who had experienced and are experiencin real huge rollercoasters?..

.ok i better stop on this..will never end!wahhaha ;oP..i blame it to me mum today for this!hehe..well wat can i say?yest felt so surreal when i heard that news..took me a while to grasp it..and well tht def shud be considered a loss for us all?cos wat he always did was to make ppl laugh and educate?..and he did reach to millions out there!it just gets a bit personal even if u dun really know the person..when u realise the person did exist in ur life?made u laugh?and educated a bit too?..and yeah just got some not so positive news today..but was talkn with mum about it..hah!the effects mums have eh?well dunno about others..but me mum def has some kinda effect on me hehe..lets say she kinda makes me feel hope ..watever the situation..cos well in the end..i know she is always there for me ..always have been :oD..even after the mahabharat arguments we have wahahaha ;oP..shiit!

anyways wat consolation!nothns wrong!(im really a moody person!:oD hehe..frens can vouch tht ;o)..the ones whos brain works have learnt to stay away hehe..i mean give space!;oP hehe)u might not accept it and belittle it..but we all know u spent some time to write here!that matters!esp when someone is busy!we know whos busy!!we(well i) feel it!;oP hehe..and yeah we cant contribute on everythng can we?but we know someone tries when she feels she can contribute ;o) hehe..

oh before i go..i heard the nose never stops growin re?:o| so yeah let it grow!!!(it will be nice to have another nose accompanyin me nose size re kya wahaaha ;oP but yeah def ur nose has a still a long way to go?:oS..me nose been dumped with nostilizer i tell u!:@ watever that means!;oP so ppl!dump on her too!!we know her nose needs to grow dun we ;o) ;oP hehe..)

ok kitchen is free it seems(duh!i was whilin me time away here!better than just sittn on me arse eh?;oP hehe)....off i go..necessity is the mother of invention they say!..hope no one will be injured cos the wok..the knifes..the laddles and other cutleries will be flyin ..as always wahahaha ..and yeah of cos..will be havin quite a crackn time..when i light the stove..and be thinkin ."and then there was fire" wahahaha..wonderin how the cavemens reacted when they 1st saw it ..worse when someone burned his/her hand feeln it!:o| hehe..

and darn this commercial!it has appeard more than twice!...that really sounded like a cover by the ramones!.."wat a wonderful world!" :oD...anyways yeah had quite an eventful day..shared some lame things i experienced with one or two frens hehe..and yeah kinda lookn foward to tomorrow..just can feel a lot more lame things happenin hehe..and of cos not so lame things :oS hehe..

---
ani loote bro..did u read the 1st post?before it went all tangent?;oP hehe..quite a humouress piece ;o)...and yeah stay gentle!u gentleman!;oP hehe..i def aint gentle thats for sure!but yeah who believes u when u speak the truth eh?wahahah ;oP

anyways good day!till next time whenever that is hehe
(sheesh!i feel this is too lame!!!cant remember wat i rambled :oS..but oh well!let it flow?watever ;oP hehe.me and me goin off tangents :oS )

*gone*
 
Posted on 09-05-06 10:55 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Anon.

Setting fires in kitchens eh?!...whatever next?..you and your never ending adventures :-)

I have to admit that I haven't the slightest clue as to what you mean...what did I miss? where?...I read John's post and I noticed your entry (not that I could help it...it was directly above mine :-)..but if there was anything else on your response that I was supposed to catch...well..I didn't...but now my curiosity is piqued...tell me won't you? :-)

As far as the roller coaster of life is concerned--yes, I know what that's lilke..but..then again, such is life?..there are lessons to be learnt from being down in the dumps I suppose.

It's good hearing from you again....you take care and I'll pop in later.
 



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